My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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