My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
