he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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