It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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