Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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