what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
