You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
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