ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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