The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
