I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
