just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
