if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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