Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Just invented taco cereal.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
