I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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