Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
