just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
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