Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
