I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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