I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
