The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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