TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
