You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
