My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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