some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Sober January is a disaster.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
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She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
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I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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