He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
