bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Randomize
