I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
My penis needs a shock collar
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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