it wasn't lemon gatorade
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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