i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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