So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
