remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
