it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
