Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
