I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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