Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
