This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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