i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
