Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Oh god it's open bar.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize
