i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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