does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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