my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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