She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
