he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
