I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Randomize
