I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
