My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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