I didn't shave. On purpose
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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