I think my vagina is haunted
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Randomize
