I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
