There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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