dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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