What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
