either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
