You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
