Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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