Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
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