Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
