His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Randomize
