dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
