my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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