god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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