your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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