My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
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